What to do if you change

What to do if you change

What to do if you change

January 6, 2022


Tell now, be silent forever or reconsider the format of the relationship.
Photo by Asya Pototskaya

Asya Pototskaya

What to do if you change


You can listen to the article. If it’s more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

According to survey VTsIOM, 40% of respondents are ready to put up with adultery in one way or another, while 45% categorically condemn this practice.

If you cheated on your partner, there is a chance to check which group he belongs to. Of course, if you decide to confess everything. Here are the cases in which it is worth doing this and what you need to sort out in private with yourself first.

Define the boundaries of infidelity

For some couples, one-time sex on the side will not be a problem if the basic emotional commitment to each other is maintained. And for some, even light flirting is considered unacceptable. In a word, a lot depends on what exactly you did, under what circumstances and how your partner will react to it.

Recently, the term “micro-changes” has been gaining popularity on the Web. This is the name given to situations in which a person in a relationship flirts with someone on the Internet. To some this word seems absurd, from the point of view of others it describes a serious problem. Already by the difference in interpretations, one can judge how the boundaries of infidelity vary.

In the fourth season of the Sherlock series, John Watson, who recently became a father, met a girl on a transport and began to exchange messages with her. (The girl ended up being Sherlock Holmes’s insane sister, but that’s another story.) Perhaps the wise and understanding Mary Watson would not have made a scandal, but John felt that he was doing something unacceptable. For him, this completely innocent correspondence is the same micro-treason, because he talked with a new girlfriend secretly from his wife.

Julia Hill
Family psychologist, psychotherapist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League.

The attitude towards betrayal is formed from the personal conviction of each person about what is good and what is bad. We are taught this from childhood, and by puberty we already have a set of more or less intelligible concepts about what is considered cheating. Therefore, I always recommend partners to discuss what each of them puts into this concept, from what exactly the other one gets hurt.

In an ideal world, you have already talked with a partner about what is considered cheating and what is not, and you know his opinion, your own position on the issue and the general verdict. If there was no such conversation, you need to decide first of all with your own opinion. If the views of two people on this issue are fundamentally different, it is worth considering whether they can even be together without causing each other suffering.

Understand why you changed and what you want

You made a mistake and do not plan to repeat

Much depends on what exactly your betrayal was and what prompted it. Perhaps you yourself evaluate your act as a tragic mistake. You didn’t like it and you definitely don’t intend to do it again.

Maybe you didn’t need any sex on the side, but you needed recognition of your significance and attractiveness. If you have some complex extraneous motivations that are not directly related to sexuality, it is better to contact a psychotherapist who will help you figure out what needs you were trying to fulfill in this way.

Came at the call of the heart and would like to continue

It is likely that you really value your regular partner and do not want to lose him, but at the same time you want to have sex with others. Or are able to experience romantic feelings for several people at the same time. Not everyone is ready to admit this to themselves, but ignoring desires will not make them disappear.

The modern concept of relationships suggests that the other person should share our interests, have a similar outlook on life, arouse violent sexual desire, support us emotionally, and, if necessary, be a good father or mother. However, few people meet all these requirements at the same time for a long time. Therefore, there is nothing strange in wanting something from different people.

If you realize that you really need a sexual or emotional connection with more than one person, this is an occasion to think about whether monogamous relationships are suitable for you at all. Another thing is that your partner may have a completely different point of view on this issue.

Julia Hill
Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

There are many reasons why people cheat. I will highlight the main ones:

  • Avoiding difficulties in life or relationships.
  • Revenge for the lack of responsiveness of a partner, for past grievances.
  • Couple distancing and relationship fatigue. They no longer satisfy desired needs.
  • An attempt to attract the attention of the main partner. According to the principle “We appreciate what we lose.”
  • Fear of loneliness.
  • Cheating for sex (often sex is perceived as power over a fleeting lover). Occurs during age-related crises.

Decide whether to tell or not

Don’t tell and live a lie

Often betrayal is not a sign of neglect, but, on the contrary, a kind of way to save relationships. Otherwise, there would be nothing to hide. Perhaps your choice is to keep the union…






Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *